And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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