She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize