I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
