3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
