I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
