I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
