I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
