Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sarcasm needs its own font
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
