come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
