We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
