He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
