I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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