Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
im six kinds of drunk right now
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
