i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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