so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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