oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize