Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
