So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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