why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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