why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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