I accidentally burped into my bong.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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