I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize