I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
