I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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