If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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