Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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