I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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