Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
