i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
