zippers are such a cool invention
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
