I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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