Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
