If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
