This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Found the puke drawer
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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