Don't make out with my wife yet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
