I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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