I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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