The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
