I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
