isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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