You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
