No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
