God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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