Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
