I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm way too hungover for life right now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
