If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
