it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize