I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize