Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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