i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize