We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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