my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
