She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
