hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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