turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
