we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
